I realized today I’m one of the people who can feel something for that moment when it happens but am quick to let it go when it comes to deeper feelings. I don’t savior it enough because I know I can’t have it. If I can’t have it, why savior it, why have a solid memory of what I can’t have? So I just let it pass.

This tendency has run into other feelings, moments of elation. I don’t stop to appreciate it, examine it, relish it. They are all just moments to me, for any feeling, very fragmented. I’ve been afraid to feel for what it will do to me, because I’m already very familiar with what they have the capability to do to a person. But without feeling, what will drive you? Maybe that’s why I’ve been so stagnant. I mean I have a plan for where I’d like to go and I’m getting my degree, but I’m not going after it the way people who are ambitious do. I’m not throwing my heart out there, but playing it in the backseat and getting by. I don’t feel determined at all. Or passionate enough. No raw feeling. That’s what’s missing in me. I’ve just settled for consistency and contentment. But is that ever really enough? When I know I’m capable of more than that?