I can’t take it anymore. The talking AT me needs to stop, PLEASE stop…but I know it won’t. “Frustrated…disappointed…why…” I have half the mind to shut the phone off and pitch it aimlessly with the sudden strength from anger and pain. The other half wishes to punch a fist through the phone onto the other side, into a stranglehold, jab a finger accusingly. But I can’t. What has happened? I feel as though a small blanket has been tossed lightly upon my shoulders as if to comfort me. A calmness takes me over. I’m suddenly retreating. My mind slows down…I even stop competing with the noise and can make out the words being said. That little finger I was pointing is turning around to face me.

I know she’s right. Dang it. She always is. I could have done better in school, been more efficient and decisive with the time I’ve been given while there. Maybe that’s why I avoid this subject as much as I can when we do talk. I know she expects more of me. From me. But I don’t know, maybe I don’t. Why does it seem so much easier for them, to go after things, and get them in a reasonable amount of time? And I’m just stagnant, even during the times I do try. But maybe I wasn’t ready then. Maybe I am now. To get started anyway. Sigh. Always playing catch up it feels. I just doubt myself, because the truth is no one is going to hire me unless I start doing something, be more active and involved, like Daddy said. And I have to do that part better than other people in order to catch up and then get on higher ground to be noticed because I’m slow. But the truth is, I’ve barely taken a step forward. When I have, I just dawdle. I’m slow because of that. Which means…I’m uncertain with how to make use of myself? I haven’t found something that really stimulates me that I’d follow through with w/o any second thoughts? Perhaps. Idk. I just need to motivate myself. So that is it. I haven’t found enough to motivate me. No. That’s bad, bad reason. I just need to start somewhere.