(via twowaymonologue)
(via twowaymonologue)
—
~ The Flaming Lips (via conflictingheart)
2:04A Tu12.20.11
Mannn, I think I’m having a hard time with the idea of letting go, something I’ll have to do at the end of the school year…but at least that’s not for awhile.
—Freddie; D + F + me climbing back into D’s truck after eating Thai food Friday. It sounded pretty. It is Spanish after all. Me: what does that mean? F: the sun is in the sky.
I realized today I’m one of the people who can feel something for that moment when it happens but am quick to let it go when it comes to deeper feelings. I don’t savior it enough because I know I can’t have it. If I can’t have it, why savior it, why have a solid memory of what I can’t have? So I just let it pass.
This tendency has run into other feelings, moments of elation. I don’t stop to appreciate it, examine it, relish it. They are all just moments to me, for any feeling, very fragmented. I’ve been afraid to feel for what it will do to me, because I’m already very familiar with what they have the capability to do to a person. But without feeling, what will drive you? Maybe that’s why I’ve been so stagnant. I mean I have a plan for where I’d like to go and I’m getting my degree, but I’m not going after it the way people who are ambitious do. I’m not throwing my heart out there, but playing it in the backseat and getting by. I don’t feel determined at all. Or passionate enough. No raw feeling. That’s what’s missing in me. I’ve just settled for consistency and contentment. But is that ever really enough? When I know I’m capable of more than that?
Bixby Canyon Bridge - Death Cab For Cutie
(photo by Owaki)
And now I’m cursing myself more for it playing out the way I had planned…because I’m not so sure it’s what I want anymore.
Another thing you should know about me, sunglasses make me feel invisible and therefore invincible. I can observe the entire world & without them noticing. I find such a liberty in that you even can’t imagine.
Yeah, that and taking off my prescribed glasses. There is no longer a constant anxiety of being aware of and having to feel or notice people. Even though I know they see me, it doesn’t prick at me since I can’t see them. Reverse psychology? It’s a bit screwed up I know, but it makes a big difference for me. I can breathe without feeling the need to be on-alert and self-aware.
I can’t take it anymore. The talking AT me needs to stop, PLEASE stop…but I know it won’t. “Frustrated…disappointed…why…” I have half the mind to shut the phone off and pitch it aimlessly with the sudden strength from anger and pain. The other half wishes to punch a fist through the phone onto the other side, into a stranglehold, jab a finger accusingly.
